Accountants Jokes

Taxman: “The position is that if I don’t have one thousand pounds from
you soon, you’re going to jail.”

Businessman: “Now you’re talking. Here’s one thousand pounds in
used notes.”

Taxman: “Let me give you a receipt.”

Businessman: “What, a thousand nicker in cash and you’re going to put it through the books?”
Guardian

Now have a laugh at our expense...

Q. What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
A. Jail.

Q. What's the definition of an accountant?
A. Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Q. What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
A. Someone who has a loophole named after him.

Q. When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A. When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Q. What's an extroverted accountant?
A. One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

Q. What's an auditor?
A. Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Q. Why did the auditor cross the road?
A. Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q. What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room.
A. Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

Q. How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A. Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

Q. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
A. Depreciation.

There are just three types of accountants:

those who can count and those who can't.

Three candidates are short listed for the accountant's job. They're all equally excellent, experienced and personable, etc.
So the chairman asks each the simple question "what is two and two?"

The first replies " Four"

The second replies " Statistically anything between 3.999 and 4.0111"

The third replies " Well what do you want it to be ?"

Chargeable Hours

A young accountant dies. He immediately goes up to heaven (wishful thinking we know) and meets Peter. Because Peter is an organised sort of Saint, he goes through the required details.

Peter : How old are you?

The accountant : 33

Peter : That's impossible!

The accountant : Why?

Peter : I have looked at your time sheets and examined the hours that your have charged your clients - by my reckoning you are at least 97!

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

A fellow has been learning to be a balloonist and takes his first solo flight. Unfortunately the wind gets up, he is blown off course and is forced to land. He is in a paddock close to a road but has no idea where he is. He sees a car coming along the road and hails it.

The driver gets out and the balloonist says, "G'day mate, can you tell me where I am?"

"Yes, of course", says the motorist. "You have just landed in your balloon and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course. You are in the top paddock on John Dawson's farm, 13.5 kilometres from Condobolin. John will be ploughing the paddock next week and sowing wheat. There is a bull in the paddock. It is behind you and about to attack you."

At that moment the bull reaches the balloonist and tosses him over the fence. Luckily he is unhurt. He gets up, dusts himself off and says to the motorist, "I see you're an accountant".

"Good Grief", says the other man, "you're right. How did you know that?"

"I employ accountants", says the balloonist. "The information you gave me was detailed, precise and accurate. Most of it was useless and it arrived far too late to be of any help."

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerruti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, and a YSL tie gets out and asks the shepherd: - If I guess how many sheep you do have, you give me one of them?

The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep, which graze and says: - All right.

The young man parks the car, connects the notebook and the mobile, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints a 150-pages report on his high-tech mini printer. He then turns to the shepherd and says: - You have exactly 1586 sheep here.

The shepherd answers: - That's correct, you can have your sheep. The young man takes the sheep and puts it in the back of his jeep. The shepherd looks at him and asks: If I guess your profession, will you return my sheep to me? The young man answers: Yes, why not.

The shepherd says: - You are an Arthur Anderson consultant! How did you know? asks the young man. Very simple, answers the shepherd: First you come here without being called. Second, you charge me, to tell me something I already knew. Third, you do not understand anything about what I do, because you took my dog!